There are times in life you have to give yourself props for just surviving.

I’m something of a perfectionist.  That means I’m pretty hard on myself almost all the time. Oh, I can be the most understanding and laid back person with other people… pretty accepting and understanding of quirks and foibles.  But when it comes to myself, boy, do I expect a lot.

Perfection.

It’s inevitable I fall short sometimes… hell, to be honest, lots of times.  Times when I can see the potholes in my road, but for whatever reason, I can’t seem to alter the path I’m walking. And, more often, times when I look back and wish with all my heart that I had chosen another route all together.

Maybe you’re lucky and you never feel this type of regret. The kind of regret that can wake you up in the middle of the night with tears running down your face, wondering why you didn’t just do better… if you’ve never felt this, I’m pleased for you (and more than a little jealous)… but if this sounds familiar, I wanna share a little secret I’ve learned.

Sometimes you have to just be thankful you made it through to the other side.

Maybe you didn’t handle things the best way. Maybe you cowered when you should have fought, or fought when you should have turned the other cheek. Maybe you pretended that you didn’t see how something was going wrong or lied to yourself.

It happens.  To everyone.

Seriously, it happens to EVERYONE.  Even the most perfect seeming person has slipped a time or two (or ten), even if they look like butter wouldn’t melt in their mouths.

What I’ve done in the past (and sometimes still slip into) is get so fixated on what I SHOULD HAVE done that I keep myself from moving forward.

It’s like those conversations where you didn’t get the right response out when the conversation was happening… so you find yourself replaying the conversation over and over again, fixing what you said until it sounds just right.

Before you know it, you’ve wasted all kinds of time, made yourself crazy… and you still haven’t changed a thing.

And then, if you’re as bad as me, you turn around and beat up on yourself because you wasted all that time on something you can’t change. 

Let’s stop the crazymaking cycle, ok?

Next time you see it starting, go find a mirror… look yourself in the eye and say “Self, okay… so we didn’t handle that the best way. So we should have turned around, never been so stupid, made a U-turn… the fact is, we were doing the best we could at the time. What’s most important is that we made it to the other side.”

And then congratulate yourself for that.  Trust me… You deserve it.

“Courage doesn’t always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, “I will try again tomorrow.” – Mary Ann Radmacher

Yesterday around this time I was filled with energy and joy.  I was feeling really good about the progress I’m making on the virtual workshop I’m creating… feeling good about plans to see a Da Vinci exhibit on Friday… feeling really good about a play I’m working on for the next few weeks and my chance to learn new photography techniques from a truly gifted photographer.

The world felt alive with possibility and promise.

That was yesterday.

Today I woke up grumpy from a bad dream, slightly sick from my monthly visitor, and out of sorts. Ready to snap at anyone and everyone.

In the past, I probably would have snapped at everyone. I would have rushed my kids through their morning routines, snarled at my husband, and found a way to examine and remind myself of every flaw that keeps me from being a six foot tall super model (trust me, there are many… starting with the fact that I am only 5′ 2″!).

The day would pretty much have been destroyed before I ever left my bedroom.

Today, however, is not destroyed.

I am learning. Learning that feelings do not dictate actions.  We have a choice. We can choose to react or we can choose to just be.  Sit with it. Feel it and let it be.

It’s taken me 35 years to realize that feelings just are. They exist, they change, they constantly ebb and flow throughout the day and that’s okay. Most importantly, it’s okay to just FEEL them and not believe that I have to DO something to get rid of them or fix them or … anything.

I had to realize that it’s okay for me to feel grumpy sometimes… to feel overwhelmed… tired… irritable… angry.  All those yucky feelings that the world/family/friends/teachers/strangers imply you wouldn’t or shouldn’t have if you were… good… enlightened… Godly… nice.

When I stop trying to fight the yucky feelings, when I stop judging myself for having “bad” feelings and just accept that this is just HOW I FEEL RIGHT NOW this amazing thing happens.  I start to feel better. Calmer. More peaceful.

And in that place, I’m detached enough to see what my feelings are really trying to tell me.  Most often, they speak to me of putting myself last and remind me to be more mindful and self nurturing. Other times  they just remind me that I’m human and perfectly imperfect and that teaches me to have more compassion for others who share that same fate.

Today is gonna be a good day after all.

I’ve come down with a bad case of the “blahs.”  Although I’ve been making progress on several projects, I’m in that in between place where the start of the project is over but the end is not yet in sight… Where I am, here in the middle, feels frustrating and irritating. Nothing is moving as quickly or as smoothly as I want and the bratty kid in me wants everything RIGHT NOW!

sigh.

Maybe you’re one of those lucky people who never feel this way? Me, I hit this stage in the middle of every project. It’s a comfy friend in a way, but never warmly welcomed!

I’m not one of those people who believes the road forward is always gonna be easy if you’re doing what you’re called to do.  I know the popular belief is that “if you do what you love, everything will fall into place.”  Boy, do I want to believe that… but living has taught me that love is not synonymous for easy. Infact, love often means struggle and hardwork…  Sometimes love means being obstinate and determined, even in the face of adversity.  Sometimes it means turning your back on the easy road to do the thing that needs to be done, to push the stone up hill even when all you really wanna do is lie in the sun.

So- I’m really writing this as a reminder to myself.  Sometimes you have to pull up your big girl panties and just get the job done.

The blahs melt away when I focus on the job at hand– the moment that I’m living NOW– and stop worrying about what the end could/should/might bring.

Live in the present. The past is gone; the future is unknown — but the present is real, and your opportunities are now. You must see these opportunities; they must be real for you. The catch is that they can’t seem real if your mind is buried in past failures, if you keep reliving old mistakes, old guilts, old tragedies. Fight your way above the many inevitable Traumatizations of your ego, escape damnation by the past, and look to the opportunities of the present. I don’t mean some vague moment in the present — next week or next month, perhaps. I mean today, this minute.

-Maxwell Maltz

As part of my preparation for the new year, I created a new ritual for myself.  This morning, I spent time focusing and praying  about the upcoming year. My intent was to prepare myself to receive the blessings that will be coming into my life and to express gratitude for the blessings I’ve received during 2009.

I also spent time reflecting and forgive myself and others for the hurts that I was holding on to.

I’m embarrassed a little to admit that my list was over eight legal-pad pages long!

That’s a lot of hurt to hold on to. As I wrote each item down, I could literally feel my shoulders becoming less tense. By the time I completed the list, I felt tired… like I had just laid down an enormously heavy burden that I’d been carrying for a long time.

And I had.

Holding my list in my hands, I knelt on the floor of my office and prayed over the list, asking for release from those burdens and giving release to those people that I felt hurt by.  Then I shredded the list.

Done.

Gone.

Forgiving really ISN’T about the other person; it’s about freeing yourself.  It’s about releasing yourself from the walls built from that remembered pain.

There was a time I thought holding on to that pain would protect me. Maybe that’s what you think too.

If that’s the case, I invite you to perform your own version of my little ritual. You don’t have to pray or any of that. The important part is to sit quietly and reflect on the hurts you’ve held on to.  Take the time to make a list and really let out every hurt that causes you to wince when you think about it, big and small.  Then reread your list– and think about the times you’ve remembered that hurt and held back… remember the opportunities you’ve passed up… the negative words that have repeated themselves in your head… mostly, try to find even one time where holding on to that hurt has added to your happiness or well being.

If you’re like me, you won’t find even one time.

Not one of those things on my huge, long list ever kept me safe from being hurt again. Holding on to the hurt or the grudge didn’t help me make wiser decisions.  Didn’t save me from heartbreak or sadness or sickness or… just the hard parts of life.

But they did keep me from loving as much as I wanted. They kept me from giving when I really wanted to give. They kept me from reaching out and from sharing myself and my talents.  They shamed me and kept me in a smaller place than I might have been…

Let it go.  The only person being punished is YOU.

Let it go.

Release.

And enjoy the feeling of starting the year brand new.

I’m sure if I wasn’t too lazy to search, I’d find that half a dozen wiser people than me have said something really wonderful and poetic about change… why it happens and how to deal with it gracefully.

Me, all I have to say is:

Change happens. Stop fighting it!

If you’re anything like me, you look back over the worst moments of your life and part of what made them soooo completely, utterly horrible was you trying to fight what was changing.  My hard knock lesson (and maybe yours too) was to realize that this was one fight I couldn’t win.  Change is gonna happen.  It has to.  Without change, things… people… life becomes stale… stagnate.  And stagnation doesn’t lead to happy times, trust me.  After all, if a plant gets root bound (meaning there’s no more room in pot to grow), what happens? It dies.  When a newborn baby isn’t growing, what’s the diagnosis?  Failure to thrive.

Life = Change

The secret to a happy life?  Make peace with that… heck, better yet, EMBRACE IT!

If nothing else, stop fighting it.  Cause that’s one fight you’ll always lose.  Change will still happen, you’ll just be a little more battered and bruised in the process.